So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
