what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
