I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
