bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
