Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
