i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
