So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
