Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
