I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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