He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
