I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
