I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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