chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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