You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
