Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
