let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
