I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
