Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
