the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Come on in and take your pants off
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