I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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