I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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