I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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