This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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