Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
