Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
