you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
