awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
