She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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