I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
