I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
