Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize