I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
