sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
