The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
