i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
