Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
