someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
