great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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