It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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