I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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