i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
