Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
