babies were throwing up all over the place
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
