if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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