I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
