he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
