I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
