i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize