seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He better not be in your backpack
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
