i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
