there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
