You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
