so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
