sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Mom said you looked used
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize