The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
