you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
