I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
sex in a hospital.. check
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize