i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
