That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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