Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
