I faked an abortion last night.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
