When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
